hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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