so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
