1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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