Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
