Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My ass is underappreciated
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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