So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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