Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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