Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
