I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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