birth control should be required to get into college
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
