Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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