Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
