brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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