I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
