i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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