dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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