im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
