who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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