My entire life is one complicated drinking game
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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