He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
