oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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