If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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