He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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