This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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