Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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