apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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