So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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