Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
