She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
