She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
