You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
