dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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