I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You pole danced in your parka.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
