Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
