Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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