I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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