Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My cat gives me a boner
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
