i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I checked into jail on foursquare
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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