I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
