i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
