sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
