Christians are straight up FREAKS
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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