i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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