I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
