watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
