I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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