Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She even gives head with a lisp.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
