All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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