my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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