The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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