in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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