2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
God I need to hump something, right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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