There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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