My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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