wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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